Dear Theo Epstein,
Just wanted to tell you how great of a job I think you've done since coming to Beantown in 2003 to be the Sox G.M. You had the foresight to pick David Ortiz up off the scrap heap, and he's turned into the baddest man on the planet. You had Thanksgiving dinner with Curt Schilling in November 2003, and convinced him to come lead the team to the promised land, and he did. You also hired the follicle challenged gentleman sitting next to you, and he was the ONLY man, in my opinion, who could have kept that band of idiots together in 2004. Which he did.
You've made some moves I'd question, sure. Trading Bronson Arroyo away last year, letting Trot Nixon go, though the fact I named my son after him my color my feelings on that one JUST a little. All in all, considering the insanity level of the fans of your particular team, you do an outstanding job. Plus, with the rock band and all, you are quite the hipster when compared to your contemporary, young Mr. Cashman in New York. You ever ask yourself why he puts up with Big Stein? I think the boy has a martyr complex myself.
I gotta ask you this one thing though. If it's not to much trouble, could you try a little harder to find us a closer for this year? I read where Tito says if the season started today, Julian Tavarez would close. Theo, I got kids man: I wanna see them grow up and all. You let Tavarez be the closer, you are gonna take YEARS off my life expectancy. Seriously.
We have a potentially dominating starting rotation of Schilling, Beckett, Matsuzaka, Papelbon, and Wake. Papi, Manny, and Drew, if healthy, are the best 3/4/5 hitters in the league. High on base guys hitting in front of them in Lugo and Youk, and solid hitters behind them in Tek, Lowell, and Crisp. Only the Munchkin Pedroia is the question mark, but his solid fielding may make up the difference.
You really gonna let all that be left to the arm and mind of Julian in the 9th? C'mon Theo, the guy is one step away from taking his uniform off while he's on the field and doing the macarena, followed by running into the Green Monster and refusing to come out until they bring him a pack of M&M's, only with all the green ones taken out.
I believe in you brother. I know you have some devious plan coming together in that Ivy League educated brain of yours. Could you execute the plan post haste? Please?
"Cause I think I'm developing an ulcer.