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Saturday, December 29, 2007

I Think She Finally Snapped

Strangely, the moment I realized my wife was certifiably insane wasn't the culmination of some gradual build of events. No connect the dots from one weird incident to the next, no telltale signs, and no "I saw this coming" revelations.

I knew when I rolled out of bed this morning. In 15 years of marriage, she has NEVER taken the Christmas decorations down until after January 1st; when I walked out of our bedroom today, the house looked like Cindy Lou Who's did after the Grinch got through with it. She had ripped down every bit of garland, ribbon, and lights we'd put up not 5 weeks earlier.

Before I realize it, I'm recruited into taking ornaments off the trees and stuffing things into boxes and 2 hours later it's like Christmas never happened. After a lot of yelling about "You slept in and I've done all this work and why won't you just help me", all I'm left with are lights outside to take down and approximately 5 million pine needles to vacuum off the floor. Don't let anyone fool you; a fake tree that is 20 years old sheds as much as a live tree does.

For a brief second I panicked and the one thought that rushed through my head was "Oh crap. She's pregnant". Then I realized that there was NO way a just God would allow that to happen, and figured it was the onset of menopause, which caused another wave of desperation to wash over me. Thankfully, I was wrong on both counts.

Turns out she just got a wild hair when she woke up and wanted to get it over with. Since this woman NEVER does anything without analyzing it to death, I can only conclude that myself and our three little bundles of joy have finally pushed her over the edge.

If that's the case, I only have these 4 words to offer:

God help us all.

32 comments:

Tex said...

perhaps after being sick and all through christmas, she just needed it all cleared out to get back to life as we know it.

I'm sitting looking out the balcony door at the Zilker Tree lighted up...waiting on Josh to let me know where he's gonna be on new years eve. ;)

Ted D said...

Nah: she's lost it, Tex. ;) You may actually be on to something, though. It HAS been a rough week. Leave it to you to explain it to me. I think I need to call you before I post so you can help me out.

You've really got me worried on this Beckett thing. I'm thinking I should reach out to the Red Sox just in case.

Tex said...

help YOU OUT???!!! you are already linked on SG. i think your blog is just fine without my help. now if you are talking about figuring us women out...forget it.

im just messing around bout beckett. you KNOW that. I am so NOT about him that a way. at all. I just love his brash and confident attitude

Ted D said...

I meant help me out on the woman thing. You'd think I had half a clue after all this time, but nope: still in the dark.

And YOU know I'm just messing with you on Beckett. We all know Kielty is you BF. :P

scott h said...

All I can say is the fhit has finally hit the san at your house.

Its been nice knowing you. The next time I see you, you will be in a sweater vest, button down collard shirt and sandals with socks. Looking like You just had an lobotomy.

Tex said...

Ted's gonna drink the koolaid.

Stacy said...

I'm with Tex; I can understand Ang wanting to get the house back to normal. She was so busy right up to Christmas, and then everyone got sick. She's probably ready to get this holiday behind her.

Plus, with the decorations gone, there are fewer things for Trot to try to demolish or pull over on himself.:)

Tex said...

see Ted all you got to do is listen to me and Stacy and perhaps you'll survive. (dont listen to scott...you SEE where he ended up living)

Ted D said...

For your information, she read it this morning and laughed her head off Bub.

It is total thunderdome here. We're running an hour behind for church and Rakes is having a EPIC meltdown because he can't find his sword.

Help.

Tex said...

he needs his sword for church?? man what kind of neighborhood do YOU Live in??

Edge of Design said...

Coming apart at the seams. I'm thinking Ang is in need of some quiet time. It might be an idea to volunteer to take the young 'uns to BMAC for awhile after church. A long while.

Edge of Design said...

Whoops! I meant MAC.

Tex said...

ok im leaving this for Scottie since he hardly comes to my blog. what kind of people DO live in Okie?


http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/nation/12/30/1230kelso.html

Ted D said...

Tex, it's a scary world and Rakes feels the need to arm himself at all times.

Edge, it's pouring down rain here. Perfect napping weather. These three are going to REST today!

Redbeard76 said...

She even took the last can of Who Hash...

And ate it.

Oh wait, you said she wasn't preggers? *whew* But wouldn't you like another Rakey?

Truth be told, my wife did the same thing too. She said because the set of lights at the top of the tree didn't work anymore, so it wasn't as pretty anymore. This was Thursday, 2 days after Christmas, even though we had talked about leaving it up for New Year's. Or rather, she made me take it down. She did the decorations, I did the tree from the stand and dragged it to the curb. In the few small minutes as I was getting ready for work that day. I had sap all over my keyboarding hands. A sticky situation, so say the least.

beckperson said...

Certainly five weeks is enough.

::shivers::


:) Happy New Year!

Ted D said...

Stephen, this was the first year I can remember we didn't have a real tree. Turns out I'm glad,because Trot pulled it over on him. But I can sympathize with you on the sap: sticky stuff.

Becks, you're probably right. Her impulsiveness was just what made me think she had lost it. She SEEMS normal today. ;)

Tex said...

\\She SEEMS normal today. ;)//

this coming from a man who spends 6 months of the year watching 9 guys play against a man with a wooden instrument and finding new friends off the internet then meeting them in another city.

now WHO'S the normal one? :)

Ted D said...

LOL Tex!!!

You know, I hadn't quite thought of it that way.

scott h said...

OK I'm leaving this for Scottie since he hardly comes to my blog. what kind of people DO live in Okie?


The kind that have escaped living on texas.

Jr I'm telling you its a tv and diet thing with those boys. Turn off the tube, movies, dvds, test pattern, Everything. Put them on a jello diet. You will think the Osmond boys have come to live with you.

Tex said...

scottie they didnt escape. we kicked them out.

Ted D said...

Bub, I'd like to believe that, but Angie has been buying organic milk for a year now. They're worse. And I'm not sure I'd want 'em any different. Just quieter. ;)

And Tex is a bit of a pit bull when it comes to her love of Texas. You two will be arguing about this until Judgement Day.

Tex said...

and Scottie started it. just for the record

scott h said...

And hopefully Mexico will finish itfor us.


Then thats the problem get those boys on goats milk, pronto!

scott h said...

going to have to end the fun for a while. Heading off to put everything right with the universe and whip some young guns in hoops.

Ted D said...

::seperates Scott and Tex and puts them in the corner::

Goat milk? It's worth a shot.

'Skins up 7-0. Woot!

scott h said...

Haven't left yet. Do the skins have their starters in?

Ted D said...

Of course they do. If they win they make the playoffs.

I smell a run like the Steelers had a few years ago coming if they beat the Pokes.

Tree Newt said...

Your Skins are putting it to the Pokes, and I love it. I need something to get excited about, since the record my beloved and beleaguered Dolphins once held so proudly has fallen.

Dude, I was wondering why you were already taking the decorations down...now I understand! I'm not taking mine down until we move. Whenever that happens.

Ted D said...

Whoo Hoo! The 'Skins made the playoffs and beat Dallas to do it!

Mattie, it wasn't my choice. I just got up in Hurricane Angie.

Tree Newt said...

Congrats on the 'Skins making the playoffs. I hope they do get on a roll. Of course, they'll just have to play the Pats, and that might not be pretty.

Ted D said...

Bro, if they get to the Super Bowl and have to play the Pats, there is only one thing that would save them.

2 words:

Food Poisoning.