Sunday, September 28, 2008

Dear Commisioner Selig

To: Bud Selig

From: Miss Hathaway

Subject: Quit being a dink

Dear Mr. Selig,

Please understand I'm just the messenger; my boss, I'm afraid, has finally lost it. It seems he spent the last day of the regular season taking his young son Rakes (An adorable, yet somewhat hyperactive child) to a birthday party for one of his young playmates and I fear it pushed him over the proverbial edge.

Around 5:45 this evening I got a phone call from him which is the reason I'm writing you this note. Remember, these are not MY words, but I was told to transpose the following.

"King Dink. See that little old man clutching that baseball bat and hugging David Ortiz? He just got his number FREAKING RETIRED at Fenway Park today. He played with Ted flipping Williams, managed the Red Sox at one point, and in 2004 got kissed by Curt Schilling and had beer poured on his head at Busch Stadium when the Sox won it all. He's got more baseball knowledge in his middle finger (which I hope is extended toward your current residence) than you have in your entire body and he hit over .300 in his career. Which is approximately .300 more points than YOU have hit in the show.

It was YOU, not him who decided to cancel a World Series, ignore the fact the players in your league looked like WBF body builders rather than ball players, and let the All-Star game end in a Tie. A TIE, for God's sake. Why didn't you just make all the players just kiss their sisters and call it a night?

Yet you still deny this great ambassador for the game the one thing he wants more than anything in this world; to sit in the dugout with his family, the Boston Red Sox team, during the game. What harm is he doing? They want him there, he wants to be there, and I'm betting if you ask anyone associated with the game that doesn't have the last name Steinbrenner you're gonna get the same answer: Let Mr. Pesky in.

For all the lip service you give toward tradition, respect, and recognizing the history of this great game, you do a crap job of showing it. You can take your stupid glasses, your inter league play, and your Mitchell Report and shove it where the sun don't shine."

Again, I wish to reiterate these are not MY words: I've got a mortgage and a retirement fund to think about. Not to mention he keeps promising me a 401K and a retirement home in Vero Beach, so I hope you understand my dilemma. Just so you know, I didn't write down EVERYTHING he told me to; After all, I am a lady and in his defense, those children of his are quite the handful.

Finally, if I may speak boldly, you really MUST do something about the late start times for the playoff games. Number 1, my employer is NOT a morning person and staying up to all hours just means more work for me. Number 2, what casual fan of a game is going to stay up after that young Mr. O'Brian has already gone to bed. And number 3, do you realize how difficult it is for the following picture to take place when you don't start one of your games until it's past bedtime?

My employer, his 2 hellions, and relative peace all at one time? Do you think this picture is possible with 10 pm starts from the Left Coast? No. By this point he's put both boys to bed while threatening to take away their feeble inheritance and at the same time enrolling them both in Military School.

And while it doesn't bother him, MY work life sure does take a blow.

So help a playa out, will you?


Miss Hathaway.

PS: Can you check and see if Mr. Farrell is single?


Tex said...

Mr. Farrell is married and TEX has Dibs on him if he gets divorced! Tell Hathaway to keep her paws off.

I was too tired to head to the bar to watch the last game...but I think the worst part of reading all the Beckett stuff. He will be fine. He will be fine. HE WILL BE FINE

Ted D said...

I choose to ignore the Beckett stuff, Tex.

And Miss Hathaway is on her own.

Nichole M said...

Selig is such a tool. Can we impeach him? Or do a recall?

Tex said...

I say we send out the Texas duo of Beckett and Timlin, tie Selig up to a cactus patch down in south texas, pour honey on him and let them coyotes have him

Ted D said...

Nichole, I'd guess impeachment is out; the owners are all making boatloads of money so I'm guessing they actually like the guy. But I like the way you're thinking.

Tex, we've gotta think of the coyotes in this instance.

~**Dawn**~ said...

Well said, Ted. Heck, Mr Pesky is practically a mascot at this point. That *surely* qualifies! And just tell me that seeing Papi smile that big doesn't do the world good? Heck, could even be the key to world peace right there, a Papi smile is so feel-good!

As for the Head Corpse, I say we strap him & Lugo to that missle headed for the moon. You know, the one formerly used for Rudy Seanez?

Ted D said...

Dawn, It crawls all over me they won't let Pesky sit in the dugout. Buncha dinks.

I like that moon idea; but can we send Seanez also? Just for what he put all of us through in his brief time in Boston.

Christine E. said...

Evening everyone:

Ms Hathaway RULES! LOL I love it when she writes for you...:-)

Happy Wild Card--and I am toally with you on the whole Johnny Pesky thing...I was weeping like a CHILD watching the tears stream down his face during the ceremony yesterday...It was SO well deserved, I can't even say how much...

Can I just say how WORRIED I am about the whole Josh Beckett thing? and do not even get me started on Mike Lowell and what he means to this team..

At least Julio Lugo is out of commission--there IS a god...

Hope you are well!

Go Sox!


Ted D said...

Hi Christine! Miss Hathaway is on administrative leave for letting all our private conversations out in public. I've got a feeling she'll make an appearance or two during the playoffs.

And it got a little dusty yesterday watching Mr. Pesky get his number retired. The man is an icon and it was great to see it happen for him.

I'm choosing to ignore the Beckett situation and pretend it's not happening.