Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Miss Hathaway fights back.

From: The Desk Of Miss Hathaway

To: Everyone who keeps sending my employer emails about the Presidential Candidates.

Dear everyone concerned,

Due to the fact that the Red Sox lost to the Rays in the ALCS, combined with the fact there was a Presidential election just a week later has caused my boss to go into a rage heretofore only seen when Derek Jeter was winning World Series Championships as often as most of us change underwear, I hope you all understand where this note is coming from

My Employer really is a good man. But the way Jason Varitek resembled Tanner Boyle from the Bad News Bears during the playoffs combined with the fact America was trying to decide who it's President would be ALL AT THE SAME TIME? Well, it sort of turned him into a blithering idiot.

Well, more of a blithering idiot than he normally is. You see, this election stuff has caused him to rage against the machine more than usual; in particular, the fact that friends, family, and random strangers see fit to send him email after email denouncing the person they weren't voting for.

For a man of his feeble mind and limited skill set, this sort of arrogant behavior drives him nuts. As much of a dink as he is, he would never, and I mean NEVER send someone an email telling them who they should vote for and why. I guess he just assumes that person has enough intelligence to research the candidates, learn what makes them tick, and make a rational, well thought out vote when the time comes.

It boggles his mind that people will rely on forwarded emails from moronic people with no clue, coupled with one sided points of view to influence their vote. Combine that with a total lack of knowledge about what they are talking about and his head starts rotating like that little girl in "The Omen".

Just as a second note, my demented, yet fair employer would NEVER think of telling a friend, colleague, or family member who they should vote for. Incredibly, he believes people should be smart enough to research a candidate on their own and make an individual choice based on their own values, morals, and diligent research.

So to all the people who keep sending he and his wife emails about each candidate and why they would be wrong to vote for them, can I just say this?

It's over. Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. And whether you agree with that or not, it's going to happen. And whether you're a Christian or Jewish, Muslim or Hindu, Yankee fan or Red Sox fanatic, support him with all you've got. Whether you like it or not, the man will be running this country for the next 4 years.

Trust me on this; I haven't seen him this riled up since Uncle Bud cancelled the All-Star game several years back. And while he's normally preoccupied with who's going to be a free agent and why in God's name did Francona stick with Beckett in Game 2 of the ALDS? This election thing has gotten his attention.

If I may be so bold, can I just add this country was formed on the backs of a group of people who went against popular opinion. I gotta say, it worked out pretty well. So why don't we all try to emulate our founding fathers and take a minute to think for ourselves?

In closing, I've got to go. My employer has been yelling about some gentleman named Scott Boras for the past half hour and muttering under his breath about "Tek taking a hometown discount"

Naturally, I have no idea what any of this means. Although he did mention something about a Christmas bonus if someone named "D-Lowe" ended up in Boston. As usual, I'm left in the dark and subject to the mood of my employer.

Can we all try and work this mess out?

I say the following: Yes We Can.


Miss Hathaway.

PS: I've got 8 months until retirement. Can you all try and help me make it without having a nervous breakdown?


Tex said...

word to the wise Girl....any time he mentions Jack...just go along with him. If he starts rocking back and forth in his some sunflower seeds on his desk. If he begins using his pens and pencils on his desk like him a pirate flag and stuffed parrot(trust me on this one). And last, if he starts dictating letters using jargon such as "high ball", "it's a steal", "knuckledown", or start having a craving for a taco....drag the tv into his office and play WS 2004 Game 4...he'll be fine.

Ted D said...

Jack Bauer in 2012.

And what is this "Pirate" stuff you talk about?

::resumes starting the "Jack Bauer for President" campaign push::

Tex said...

::dials hollywood to make personal call to Ted::

Ted D said...


Sam Jackson's Lovechild said...

if we get dlowe back, ill personally roll out the red carpet and blond reporters for him

Ted D said...

JB, if you need any help with that red carpet you just let me know.

beckperson said...

So proud! Most excellent post, Miss Hathaway.

Ted D said...

Thanks, Becks. Hopefully some people will still speak to me tomorrow.

Tree Newt said...

Ms. Hathaway, can you check and see if your boss got that e-mail I sent him?


Bickley said...

If one more person tells me Barack Obama is the Antichrist, I'm gonna punch him/her in the face. My wife is begging me not to send an email to her dad asking him to please stop sending me emails about Obama.

Oh, and Miss Hathaway? We could probably come up with a sizable collection if you could find a way to, um, "take care" of Mr. Boras. If you *ahem* get my drift. I'm thinking about 100% of all baseball fans would probably pitch in a little "sumpin'-sumpin'."

Good luck with your boss...

Ted D said...

Hear, Hear Bickley. As for what to do with Boras? That's between you and my elderly secretary.

I'm keeping my hands clean in this whole mess.

Ted D said...

Sorry Mattie. I just saw it last night; it was buried between 14 different ones ranging from,, and various "if you don't forward this to 15 people you'll turn into a pumpkin".

Thanks, man.