Before Ang and I had any children, I always wondered why parents had such a tough time. There are literally thousands of books for sale at Barnes and Noble that give you a page by page outline on how to raise kids.
From potty training to wetting the bed to how to choose between the salad fork and the dinner fork at a formal dinner. For what it's worth, the next time you see my kids at a formal dinner will be the first time. And if you happen to look out your window you'll most likely see Wilbur the Pig flying by on his way to the River Styx for a hockey game.
What they DON'T tell you is this: how do you cope with a stomach flu which I'm pretty sure hasn't been seen since the Black Plague that has decided YOUR house is where it wants to have it's Winter Vacation.
Have you ever felt completely and totally helpless? I mean helpless to the point of 100% frustration over the fact there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help? Take that feeling, multiply it times 5,000 and imagine all 3 of your kids doing their best impression of a college freshman during pledge week while riding the porcelain train and you sort of get how I'm feeling tonight.
Throw in the fact your wife, their mother, and the foundation to the whole house of cards is doing the same thing? I am officially in total freak out mode right now. Curling up in the fetal position and crying is out; I already tried it.
Pretending you are Niles from "Frazier" and fainting is a no go as well. I almost tried the "Rocky Balboa in Rocky 3 after Micky gets killed" defense as well, but I knew it was a losing battle.
Where in God's name is Bill Cosby when you need him?
Oh Hey Friday!: March 27, 2015
2 days ago