After months of painstaking research (In full disclosure? The last 10 minutes), extensive use of pie charts and Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and intense use of a Magic Eight Ball I've come to the following conclusion.
The more money a person makes contributes greatly to their loss of intelligence.
From Gilbert Arenas and his brilliant choice to bring handguns into Washington DC to every lottery winner you've ever heard of, massive amounts of money equals massive levels of bad decisions and rampant stupidity. The Bible says it's easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than get into heaven; forget the needle. Most of these idiots couldn't unlock a door if you gave 'em a key, a sledgehammer, and one of those battering rams the cops use when they're busting down your door with a search warrant for "stalking the guy you thought was a Red Sox scout at your local minor league affiliate."
Or so I've heard.
Sure, you've got your exceptions; Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and that dude who looks like Mick Foley who won "Survivor" that one year. But most of these people? Get a little money and they all turn into Earnest T. Bass from The Andy Griffith Show.
And yes, I've convinced myself this is all true just so when the end of the month comes and I'm trying to figure out which vital organ I'll need to sell THIS month to pay everything I can tell myself that I've got it good.
My name is Ted.
And I need Truck Day like a needle needs a vein.
(With apologies to Bono.)