Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's Here. Almost.

*Picture courtesy of Kelly O and*

(I think.)

Today was like the day before the day before Christmas; there's lots of parties and hoopla but the big day is still one day away. While some teams started the regular season others, including the Red Sox, are waiting until tomorrow where it'll be Crabby against C.J. Wilson and the Rangers to kick off the season.

I've waited 6 months. I'm guessing one more day won't kill me. Although if I have many more conversations on the phone with Trot like I did today?

I can't promise anything.

Trot: (Answering the phone) "What?"

Me: "Trot? What are you doing?"

Trot: "I'm Superman. Who is it?"

Me: "It's Dad. Where's Mom?"

Trot: "She's dead."

Me: "Dead? Where's Nanny?"

Trot: "She's dead too. I'm here all by myself."

Me: "Put Mom on the phone you knucklehead."

Trot: "I tan't. She's dead. Can you bring me a chicken wrap after work?"

3 more minutes of this and I'm wondering who let the 5 year old answer the phone, how can I go from being completely calm to a ball of nerves over a phone call, and if I ever find the MLB Scheduler who decided it was fine for the Red Sox and their fans to wait another day to start the season I'm either pantsing him or just kicking him in the gibleys, whichever one takes the least time.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Just Another Ho Hum Birthday for Dennis the Menace.

So, we had a little "incident" in the neighborhood today. This afternoon, while I was at work, Ang and the kids were outside playing and even though I've screamed "look both ways before you go into the road" until I was fairly certain my throat was going to bleed and even though we live in a residential neighborhood with Kids at Play signs everywhere and a 4 way stop in the middle of the street there are more people than I care to think about who think of our little road as the American equivalent of the Autobahn.

Somewhere tonight in our little town there is an idiotic woman who was tailgating the yard truck Trot DID see but couldn't see her because she was too close and going to fast that should be extremely grateful I wasn't home today when she came flying down the street, had to swerve to avoid Trot, and then had the unmitigated gall to lay on her horn and then call the police because, and I quote, "every time I come through here there are kids outside playing".

Yes, you moron. There are kids outside. Hence all the freaking SIGNS. Not only that, it's a NEIGHBORHOOD, not the Interstate you wing nut. Not only did she pull around the corner to make her call to 5-0, she parked in front of my neighbors driveway. Who calmly informed this waste of air that her disabled daughter's bus was due any second and she needed to move her car so the bus could make it's stop. Idiot driver then insisted she didn't HAVE to move.

Now, if I'd been here this whole thing would have gone completely different. For one, I have no patience for people who have no disregard for children. Secondly, I LIVE here and dingbat doesn't. Third, I have no problem being a complete horses a** when it comes to MY kids. After Ang called and filled me in I'm pretty sure my blood pressure rose to stroke-like levels; nothing like thinking about your child getting run over by a car to get your motor running.

Trot turned 5 this morning. And but for the grace of God he quite possibly wouldn't made it to tomorrow. So to the clueless jackass who nearly ran my child over today?

I REALLY hope you come back through when I'm home.

If you're driving in a residential neighborhood please remember it's a RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD and not the 501 Expressway.


Monday, March 28, 2011

Birthday Boy

Trot turns 5 tomorrow and it turns out all those years of wondering if Rakes was mental was just God's way of paving the road for his little brother.

He has zigged when we zagged, gone up when we've gone down, and in general has thrown our life upside down. If you read this blog regularly you know what I'm talking about; I won't rehash every peeing incident and acts of random havoc that I've written about already over the years. I will add that he and Rakes ran ahead of us at church Sunday and when we caught up to him he was telling the man at the door that "I don't have a Mom and a Dad. They left me".

Put it this way; when he barrel rolled down the stairs at the ripe old age of 9 months I should have figured he was gonna be a little bit different.

Over the past 60 months we have laughed, cried, worried, and at one point I asked out loud if it was possible to arrange a trade. He's Dennis the Menace, Bart Simpson, Eddie Haskell and Attila the Hun all wrapped up in one blond headed, blue eyed mischievous little body.

And I wouldn't take all the money in the world for him.

Happy Birthday little Dirt Dog.

Your namesake would be proud.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Father, in fact, does NOT know best.

Around 3:30 this afternoon I uttered the following words;

"Rakes, you got two choices. Either get down off the counter and out of your Mom's purse or you can go to bed right now".

I realize that makes no sense and have no idea what I actually meant. I THINK it was get out of the purse or go to bed but at 10:30 p.m. I have no clue. It was one of those things you say as a Dad that sounded really good in your head but something got lost in the translation. In my defense they had been up since 6:30, had terrorized the church for a couple of hours, and thanks to El Nino or El Guapo or whatever it is that caused the weather here to go from almost 90 degrees last week to a chance of flipping snow tomorrow and it's like Siberia outside I'm a man on the edge.

Only the video playing in my mind of A Gone going yard to the opposite field last night and the fact that Opening Day is a mere 5 days away is keeping me going right now.

However, if I'm awake at 2:37 a.m. because Trot peed the bed then all bets are off.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Maybe they'll make it an Olympic Sport.

If you've never picked up a zonked out 4 year old whose been near comatose for roughly 45 minutes, carried him up a flight of stairs, and then stood him in front of the toilet to pee (STILL asleep, mind you) you're gonna have to trust me:

It ain't as easy as it sounds. Throw in basic physics, a little geometry, and 4 Hail Mary's and you get the idea.

Best part? Like an athlete who has trained his muscles to give the exact same swing every time, he actually reached forward to drop the lid down after he finished.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Pedro? Wherefore Art Thou Pedro?

It's 10:07 p.m. and I'm sitting in the dark watching a Washington Nationals/ Detroit Tigers Spring Training game.

That sentence alone would have me committed in 37 states.

Can it be Opening Day yet?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The Baddest S.O.B. in the Bullpen Today

*Image lifted from*

Reason number 6,981 I'm excited about the upcoming baseball season?

The first bullpen clearing melee that happens I'm keeping my eye on Bobby Jenks and the poor soul he decides he's going after on the other team.

This has got "Oh My God! It's the Rattlesnake Stone Cold Steve Austin!" written all over it.

Look at that dude; would YOU want to the intended recipient of his bad intentions?

This year is gonna be AWESOME.

Monday, March 21, 2011

It's Almost Time.

I know the picture in my header taken by my friend Kelly is too big for the blog.

I just don't know how to fix it and seeing a picture of Tek and JD laughing it up just makes me that much more ready for Opening Day.

Not sure how long my OCD will let it stay there but for now?

I'm leaving it up as a reminder that baseball, REAL baseball, is just around the corner.

And due to the events of the past few days?

It's coming just in time.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Bend it. Like Trot.

The boys both had soccer games this morning, and since I was at work and had to miss it, Ang promised to send me texts with updates on the happenings. About 11:30 while I was out on the floor with a customer, I missed the following series of texts.


"Rakes just scored an AMAZING goal!" (Apparently, according to Rakes, "He went BAM, the ball went WHOOSH, and the goalie went BOOF and I scored!")"

"Ted Call Me."

"Trot just mooned the whole team. He's YOUR son."

I finally texted back.

"Good Lord."

The scary thing? He's only 4. What in God's name is he gonna be like when he's 16?

Friday, March 18, 2011

40 and Counting.

Kids are away at the Grandparents for the night, it's Friday in the big city, and it's me and Ang home alone for a romantic evening.

We got take out and are watching "Grownups". Yep, nothing says romance like Adam Sandler and David Spade.

Somebody stop the Express Train.

I gotta get off.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

It Ain't Disney World. But It'll Do.

Laying on your bed while watching "Survivor" with Trot curled up in my left arm, Rakes curled up in my right, and Ciera close enough to give her a noogie every 10 minutes or so may be one of my most favorite things to do.

Screw all those "big moments" everyone talks about.

It's the little things I'll remember when they are all out on a Friday night and I'm home alone watching a Red Sox game.

Monday, March 14, 2011

2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks.

On the way home from church yesterday Ciera declared we needed to pick a favorite ACC team, since, and I quote, "We have NC State, Duke, AND Carolina T-shirts. What is wrong with us?"

I should clarify and say that I'm considered an oddity by most of my fellow Carolinians. I could care less about college sports, in particular college basketball. I'll watch a football game here and there and definitely know who won the National Championship, but I could give a rats hind quarters about basketball.

Put it this way; I live with Rakes and Trot (and more and more Ciera) 365 days a year; Like I need a freaking MONTH called "March Madness"?

So while most of the country debates the merits of Duke vs Kentucky or why North Carolina can't beat Duke when it counts or why the University of Podunk didn't get that elusive 68th seed, I'm anticipating seeing Carl Crawford fly around Fenway and Youk stabbing either a line drive or the visiting teams 3rd base coach and Pedroia giving Tito the hot foot on "Sunday Night Baseball".

Most of all? I cannot freaking wait to see the guy Tito is already calling "Gonzy" use the Green Monster as target practice.

"The Road to the Final Four" can bite my tweeter.

Give me Opening Day or give me death.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

An Ordinary Day to Remember.

You know the opening scene from "The Andy Griffith Show" where Andy and Opie are strolling down to the old fishing hole to enjoy a relaxing afternoon of fishing and rest?

It's a lie. A total, 100% lie; if fact, due to the smile on Andy's face I'm now convinced that either he or Opie, in fact maybe both, were loaded to the gills with Zanax, Prozac, or Oxycontin.

Took the hellions fishing today and we experienced, among other things I'm blocking from my memory, the following.

At least 13 instances of lines getting crossed, 579 casts and reels by Rakes, 6 consumed Sprites, 2 fist fights between Rakes and Ciera, 1 HUGE horse flop picked up by Trot, and approximately 4 actually fish being caught.

Not to mention the 5 minute conversation where we all discussed whether the fence surrounding one of the ponds we were fishing was electrified only to have Trot saunter up to the fence, grab hold, and declare "It's not", followed closely by him running over my fishing pole and dragging it behind him around half the pond, looking like Paul Newman in "Cool Hand Luke" as he tries to escape for the 14th time.

By the time the day ended my face was burned, my head was pounding, we all smelled like worms and fish, and Trot and Rakes engaged in an entertaining yet insanity defense inducing modified rap off on the way home.

And I wish I could do it all again tomorrow. 'Cause one day they'll be too big and too busy to spend an entire day with their Dad and I'll be left with memories of days like today.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Pre-Teenage Wasteland

I have no clue how my Pop lived through raising 3 girls without sending them off to a convent, killing every red blooded male that dared call on the telephone, or spending all his spare time building an electric fence that surrounded our house.

'Cause the older that little girl gets in that picture the more I dream about doing all of the above.

That is ONLY unless she and her mother kill each other first.


All bets are off.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Good Samaritan: Trot Style

So Trot learned the parable of The Good Samaritan at church Sunday and today he re-told it to his Nana, and later on to me.

"Dis man was walking down the street and dis bad man tame up and bopped him in the nose. DEN dis Preacher tame up and he just walked by. Den dis OTHER man tame by and he took his money AND his underpants. Den dis man from China helped him."

I have no idea why he thinks the Good Samaritan was from China. Who knows; maybe he was. And I'm pretty sure nobodies underwear was stolen but I'll have to go back and look at it again.

The biggest shocker in all this?

He actually got the gist of the story right, which means on some level he was actually listening to the older person in the room who was talking.

I'll take progress anywhere I can get it.

Heeeeeeeeere's Tuesday!

We're on Day 4 of the flu for Ang and she's still down for the count.

Also, I'm not sure if I'm cut out for this Mr. Mom stuff; Trot and I had to go to the grocery store to get sandwich meat and he ran into one of his buddies from school. Ended up buying him some gum while stammering like Rakes in the middle of one of his classic tales and I'm pretty sure I promised Trot I'd buy him a pony if he would JUST COME ON.

Thank God I go back to work today or I'd have locked them all outside this afternoon and prayed for darkness to come.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Dreaming of Fenway

I was sitting on the couch tonight watching Spongebob, or Phineas and Pherb, or Funniest Home Video's, or..... honestly, I don't remember. At this point I'm numb to all the shows they watch and until Opening Day I've got no good reason to switch the channel; however, the next 6 months are payback for all the nights those little suckers make me watch some cartoon they've seen 8 million times already.

Anyways, I'm on the couch and Trot jumps up on the seat next to me, informs me his head itches, and proceeds to scratch it.

With his foot.

Like some deranged, over sized Labrador Retriever.

I couldn't take a picture of it at the time because Rakes was texting my friend Amy. Yes, my 7 year old was texting a 30+ year old married woman. If you read this blog with any regularity you A. Knew this was coming and B. Aren't surprised. But needless to say; watching my youngest child gleefully scratch his head with his foot wasn't something I expected to see when I woke up this morning.

Thankfully I got him to replicate the feat a little while later.

Don't worry.

The Prozac helps me sleep at night.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Suddenly, March seems like August.

It's just Spring Training and it's only March the 4th.

Yet the Red Sox and the Yankees STILL manage to go over 3 hours long and have the bottom of the ninth include the bases loaded, 2 outs, and a last minute pitching change.

Fear not; the Sox won.

But you'd think they could at LEAST take the Spring off before they start this crap.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Another Sign of Spring

I got my Directv bill in the mail yesterday and included amidst the Programming, Leased Receiver Fees, Sales Tax, North Carolina Video Services Tax (I have no clue what THAT is. Just another way this state has come up with to tax us to death) and my "Refer a Friend" discount was the following:


You are all set to enjoy another exciting year of MLB EXTRA INNINGS. We are renewing you at the lowest price of 6 payments of $33.99/month. Look for the first charge to appear on an upcoming bill."

I've never been as happy about forking over close to $200 dollars over the next 6 months as I am right now.

Sweet Holy Moses, Opening Day is almost here.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

From the brains of Children sometimes come the Greatest Ideas.

I stumbled across this picture tonight and one thought rampaged through my head.

Why in God's name didn't I think of this sooner?

It's 10:30 and all is quiet.

Which means I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'll settle for Trot NOT peeing in the bed tonight as a starter.