Actual conversation between Ciera and I about 10 minutes ago.
Me: "Ciera, you have GOT to throw those shoes away. They stink."
Ciera: "Dad, if you buy me new grey Toms I'll throw them away."
Me: "Better yet, let's mail them to "He who shall not be named", tell him to go to a ventless room, and then open them. We accomplish two things: We get rid of the shoes and we kill him in the process".
Ciera: "Daaad"! "You're such a creeper"!
Me: "I'm dead serious".
Ciera: "Stop! You're giving me a hemorrhoid"!
Ciera: "You know, what you get when old people like you get stressed".
Me: ::Rolling on the floor:: "You mean an ulcer"?
Ciera: "Yeah. What's a hemorrhoid?"
Sweet Holy Moses do I wish I could wear a video camera strapped to my head at all times.